Everyone wants the best for the people they love, especially if it’s a really good friend. Sometimes you are just so tempted to tell your friend that he or she needs a divorce especially when you can see that being married is sucking the life out of them due to whatever issues that they may be facing that you probably also know about.
Psychologist Dr Robyn Landow says you can’t, even though your advice might be spot on. For one thing, you’re not telling your friend something that he/she doesn’t already know. That approach will not want to make them listen, it doesn’t work.
In fact, it may often backfire says Silvia Dutchevici, a licensed clinical social worker and president of the Critical Therapy Center. And one thing to note is that no matter how obvious anything seems, it’s impossible to know what happens between two people. Also, it puts you in a precarious position if they don’t divorce you will forever be labelled as the person who said they should.
Tough Divorce
Dr Susan Albers a psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic says that when a man gets divorced it changes the whole architecture of his life. He may not want to be single even if the situation in his marriage is bad, in addition, divorce is expensive and things get even more complicated if there are children involved. Albers says that men will put up with terrible treatment just to be able to tuck their children into bed and kiss their foreheads goodnight.
But as a supportive friend, you can encourage him to come to the decision on his own by asking open-ended questions such as. “What have you tried so far to improve the situation?” “What makes you angry? What do you feel is missing?”, these questions may help him understand himself and the situation better.
Also if you don’t know what else to say, you can say nothing and just listen with empathy. One good question may be to ask him what would hurt less, staying or leaving? And what would make him happy.
This of course doesn’t mean he will see things with clarity but at least a gentler approach may have a better chance of getting through to a friend who may be feeling muddled and confused as to what to do next and whether or not to proceed with a separation or divorce.
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